When my daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer, I had no idea how lonely it would feel.
Please don't stop reading. Please stay with me.
It was really strange because I knew I wasn’t alone and yet it felt that way more often than not. I'll admit that I didn't really have much of a social life. I'd also been dealing with depression and mood disorder for many years. I had probably chased others away, so I'm sure it was particularly difficult for them to get close when she got sick.
But, as lonely as I thought I was with depression (because I couldn't always handle friendships), it was greatly intensified as soon as we announced she was sick. I kept telling myself that the loneliness was all in my head, but then things would happen where I was extending myself so far for real connection and it became so clear in so many moments that others were afraid to get close. I'm sure they didn't think that's what they were doing, but I could sense it pretty strong.
Even still, I was so desperate for that closeness, that I didn't let myself acknowledge very often that my friends & acquaintances mostly pitied me and also cringed at much interaction with me because of what I was carrying. It was too heavy for them. It wasn't like when the only issue was that I had "just" mental illness and could get people in my space with some effort. It was like I was chasing people and they were telling me they are there for me while they are emotionally sprinting away from me. I couldn't keep up, so I'd slow down or stop and just blame it on anything about myself- my social awkwardness, my intensity, my overbearing opinions (even if I kept them to myself- I promise I have once or twice) or just that I'd gotten a bit chubby. It did take a little bit for it to sink in just how much others pull away- how much of it wasn't really me. How magically busy everyone is all the sudden. I'm sure they were busy- but life is always busy. That's why we prioritize. As far as spending time with me, that was pretty dang low on the priority lists of those I yearned to have in my space. People can be quite generous with their money & distant support, but very withholding of their time and emotion.
Before you stop reading out of guilt, please know that this isn’t meant to shame anyone. I know what it is like to pull away. Before I knew this trial, most of the time, I didn’t realize what was happening was me pulling away from others going through heavy things too.
You see, before my daughter was diagnosed with brain cancer, I had a dear friend as well as my older sister go through the same thing. Crazy, right?! My niece actually got the same type of brain cancer, even. In fact, I believe that her and my sister and brother-in-law going through that helped us in so many ways- but it also made me repent for having let myself off the hook so many times. I thought that just because she lived on the other side of the country and I had my own kids, significant financial and health struggles (including the depression) that somehow I wasn’t able to help more. But, really, I knew that was a lie. I knew that I could have called more, reached out more, done more. Sent care packages, done video chats, etc., etc. We’re actually incredibly spoiled nowadays. You can insert yourself in other people’s lives more readily from pretty much anywhere on the planet and yet we are more disconnected as a society than we’ve probably ever been.
Why?! Why do we do that to ourselves and each other? Are we saving ourselves anything? Not really. Why are we so afraid to of the nitty gritty of deep relationships? Or is it merely awkwardness we avoid? No. That can’t be it. I mean, we’re all on social media and if we are being totally honest- social media is incredibly awkward. We’re definitely okay with awkward. I would argue that if you’ve never been awkward on social media, you are probably not really on social media. But I’m sure you still have awkwardness a plenty in your social experience and even in your close relationships. It’s something else. I don’t know what exactly, but I feel like it’s a trick. A really cruel trick being played on all of us. After all, I deeply believe that we are all so much more connected than we are consciously aware of on this planet. So much more. More than even many religions will tell you. We’re brothers and sisters, but think about that- we come from the same heritage. I don’t know if I’m conveying the intensity of my thought. There is a lot of intensity I feel that I’m not sure how to convey, but I suspect that those of you that took the time to read this and have the courage to connect with me at least through this will figure out some of that intensity. Perhaps that’s what we run from- intensity. Intense feelings and experiences. Which is why I’m going to ask you to be willing to let go of that hesitation and fear for a few moments here.
I’m sitting on my couch right now in the early morning, pumping for my new baby that struggles to nurse effectively. I woke up because my grief wouldn’t let me sleep. It has been seriously nagging me for many days. I don’t know why, but it can be hard to let myself cry. I don’t think it is from a macho mentality or anything. I just get tired and lazy and console myself more than I probably should. But the damn finally burst and I can no longer hold it in. This happens often, as you can probably imagine, since my daughter passed away over 4 months ago. The crying, damn bursting thing actually started after she was diagnosed, but is more intense now- for obvious reasons.
Here’s where it will start to get intense because I’m going to now say her name- Rachel. Rachel would be 4 years and 4 months old today (the day I originally wrote this). The number 22 seems to both haunt and bless our family. My niece- the one that also had the same brain cancer- her birthday is the 22nd of the month as well. Out of 15 grandkids (so far), the 2 that have dealt with the beast were the only ones in the family with birthdays on the 22nd. They also both had surgery to remove those tumors on the 23rd. There is a long list of strange parallels and I won’t dive into it because that’s the purpose of this post. I’m not as interested with sharing the factual, weird and likely meaningless details. I want you to know Rachel and me and how my angel has affected me. Because there is so much beauty in it. Beauty so unexpected and amazing that it must be shared. Are you ready to be smitten and fall in love with a sweet angel whose brief time on this planet has already come and gone? Are you okay being that vulnerable? Because while it will strike fear somewhere in you to do so (even if you don’t let yourself recognize that fear), that vulnerability can transform you in amazing ways.
In the scriptures, we are told to mourn with those that mourn. It seems like the obvious reason for that is to comfort those that mourn, but I believe it actually serves a bigger purpose than that. I believe it is there to refine us, humble us (gently) and make us vulnerable- but in a way that is sacred and protected. Not all vulnerability is dangerous to us. Lying flat in the middle of the road- dangerous vulnerability. Having your heart so open that you feel someone else’s pain so that you can not only comfort them but live their experience somewhat- safe vulnerability. Why? Because angels will attend you. Those same angels that are working to comfort your grieving friend or family member are there for you too. Why? Because they have the most beautiful message to share, but your heart has to be REALLY open to receive it. How open? Open enough for tears to fall out. Open enough for you to feel the heaviness of your friend’s grief. Open enough that it can’t not change you. Because that’s how big the message and blessing is that those angels have to offer. And it isn’t weird or wrong for you to feel it that deeply. You aren’t stealing your friend’s thunder or overshadowing their grief- you’re just experiencing it with them. Guess what else you get to experience with them? The laughter, joy and love they feel. Because if they loved someone deeply enough to be grieving over them- there’s quite a bit of potent love there with it.
I have SO MUCH to share with you. Abide with me and let your heart open to feel it. You won’t regret it. Soon, you’ll look for other similar opportunities and you’ll reach out to more people going through similar things. The experiences will exercise and strengthen your soul. We could all use that- particularly for what lies ahead.
Maybe you are dealing with grief as well. Most people are. Maybe the world has made you scared to feel it fully. Let go of that fear. Don’t hold back.
Cry with me, mourn with me, laugh with me and I know you’ll also feel the joy and peace I feel.
All the pain, all the grief, all the aching- it is so worth the peace and love and joy! Rachel couldn’t live long enough for you to know her like I do. But she still wants you to know her. She knows things we don’t- beautiful things. She also hopes that you’ll help take her family’s loneliness away. Don’t let fear and distractions keep you away. You don’t have to know the perfect thing to say or think or feel. Just be willing to abide with us, to get closer. Because the distance from everyone is just not the kind of pain I can handle any longer.
